Buffy vs. Dracula
"Nice! Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy."
"I have no interest in you. Leave us."
"No, we're not going to leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Von, two, three... three victims. Mwah, hahahhaha!"-Xander and Dracula
"Oh, good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change."-Giles
"Oh, my shoe. Silly me. I'll just pop..."
"No, no, no sir. No more chick-pit for you."
-Giles and Riley
"Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?"
"He's gone."
"Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects, and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey."
"Check. No more butt-monkey."
"It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here."
"I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me."
"Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?"
-Xander, Buffy, Riley, and Giles Real Me
"Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires--they die from a splinter."-Dawn
"I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word 'newfangled' one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone."-Dawn
"You put it in neutral again, huh?"
"I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out."
"Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
"Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty."
"Little two-door tramp!"-Buffy and Giles
"Hey, there's Willow and Tara!"
"Ooh, they haven't seen my new car."
-Dawn and Giles
"But Giles said that it just was..."
"The hell with Giles!"
"I can hear you, Willow."
-Buffy, Willow, and Giles
"Dawn, be good."
"We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name."
-Joyce and Xander
"Crap! Look at this--now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage."
"That means you're winning."
"Really?"
"Yes, cash equals good."
"Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?"-Anya and Xander
"How bored WERE you last year?"
"I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."
-Buffy and Giles
The Replacement
"If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, 'La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's.'"
"Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that."
"Really? I will."-Willow, Buffy, and Riley
"Ooh, I found a quarter, I found a quarter! Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about."-Xander
"On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me."-Xander
"I'm dying. I may have as few as 50 years left."-Anya
"I said, Oh dear lord!"
"You always say that."
"Well, it's always important."
-Giles and Buffy
"They're kind of the same now."
"Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself."
-Buffy and Giles Out Of My Mind
"Should I be watching my occipital lobe?"
"Your what?"
"Occipital, the lobe in the back of your brain? You know, like, should I be watching my back? But, you know, the back of your brain."
"Apparently not."-Willow and Buffy
"I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe."
"Aw, poor Buffy's brain."-Buffy and Willow
"Yeah, blueprints, not a bad idea. That and getting straight, "measure twice, cut once." You know, for the longest time, I had it backwards. Messy."-Xander
"Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?"-Spike
"I care about you, Xander."
"Thanks."
"Don't be insecure."
"Thanks. I won't."
-Anya and Xander
"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
"No. Four left."
"So it's smaller than a breadbox?"
"No. Only three."
"Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?"
"Yes! -Spike and Harmony
"The guy's really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way."-Buffy
"Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers."
"What?! Yes, I can."-Harmony and Spike
No Place Like Home
"It appears to be paranormal in origin."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, it's so shiny."
-Giles and Willow
"Did you see that? Customers, real live customers. They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money, and then they left! It's brilliant!"-Giles
"There's too many of them -- people. And they all seem to want things."
"I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay."
-Giles and Xander
"Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?"-Xander
"Does this look right to you?"
"Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet."
-Willow and Anya
"Don't take this the wrong way, but... (punches Spike in the nose) ...what are you doing here? Five words or less."
"Out. For. A. Walk.... Bitch."-Buffy and Spike
"You're not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you, Big G?"
"No, no. Just hope she doesn't do anything too rash."
-Xander and Giles
"My journey's done, I think."
"Don't get metaphor-y on me."
-Monk and Buffy
Family
"Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt."-Buffy
"Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!"
"Could we perhaps be a little less effusive, Anya? We don't want to frighten the people."
"I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them, they give us money in exchange for goods, you give me money for working for you. I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a workin' gal."
"Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?"
"Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts."
-Anya and Giles
"Your definition of narrow is impressively wide."-Buffy
"Besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short."-Buffy
"And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
"You're dealing with all of us."
"'Cept me."
"'Cept Spike."
"I don't care what happens."-Giles, Xander, Spike
Fool For Love
"What's with the hand wave? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?"
"It's code. I think it breaks down to 'choo-choo!'"
"It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him."
(whispering) "Ask him."
(yelling) "Hey, Riley? What's the (hand gesture) all about?"
"It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
"See, now he's all mad and sarcastic."
"It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants."-Xander, Willow, Anya, and Riley
"I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto."-Buffy
"Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"
"What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad."
-Buffy and Spike
"Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one."-Spike
"Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry."
"It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!"-Girl and a Guy Shadow
"'Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs.' Catchy."
"You think so?"
"Uh-huh. In a hard-to-read sort of way, but I think it's great."-Tara and Giles
"Oh, yeah, this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you never saw, and don't know the name of."
"Just do what I do: flip through the pages and look busy."
-Xander and Anya
"Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you, most tingly and wonderful Glorificus."-Dreg
"Hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, whoo! And, might I add, a big hoo."-Xander
"Sobekites were reptile worshippers."
"Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers."
"Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares!"
-Anya and Xander
"Tick-tock, Dreg. Tick-fricking-tock!"-Glory
Listening To Fear
"Oh my god, what a rough night."
"Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy."-Giles and Willow
"Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish."-Willow
"I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change."
"I'm sure someone's on-- What? The push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?"-Joyce and Buffy
"No pulse."
"Yep, the space lamb got him."-Riley and Anya
"That might be toxic. Don't touch it."
"Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell."-Riley and Xander
"No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you."
"I promise."-Joyce and Buffy Into the Woods
"The chimp, playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov?"
"There's a chimp playing hockey?"
"No, the other one. I don't want to see a sad movie."
"We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!"-Xander, Anya, and Dawn
"I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head."
"But a very well-groomed cat."-Joyce and Buffy
"If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man, staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself."
"I say, that's an exaggeration."-Anya and Giles
"Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
"Because you are."
"Well... yeah."-Spike and Riley
"You don't want to deal so you hide? Not very Slayer-like."
-Xander
"I thought he was dependable."
"Dependable? What is he, State Farm?"
-Buffy and Xander Triangle
"Xander, if you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?"
"Check. Big bomb clock."-Anya and Xander
"Hellebore. One of my favorites."
"It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work, but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together."-Tara and Willow
"I released him? No, this was definitely a 'we' thing. Or, or a 'you' thing. It definitely feels like a 'you' thing."
-Willow
"There's a troll on the loose and you're gonna crash Giles' car!"
"It's likely. We're going very fast."-Willow and Anya
"Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still."-Willow
"Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off."
"I don't know how."
"Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off."
"Oh, thanks."-Willow and Anya
"My god, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were."-Olaf
Checkpoint
"Essentially, their agenda is the same as ours. They want to save the world and kill demons."
"Kill the CURRENT demons, right? CURRENT demons."
-Giles and Anya
"They don't sound very ex-demon compatible."-Anya
"Customers! Please, bring your money back."-Anya
"You all stand around and look somber. Good job."-Giles
"You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us."
"You used to pay me."-Quentin and Giles
"I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done."
"Giles, that Travers guy is like 60. I can't hit him. Can I?"-Gies and Buffy
"Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins, 20 years old, born on the 4th of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, Mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now."
"So, you spell it A-N-Y-A, then?"-Anya and a Watcher
"So, you have no special skills or powers or knowledge you bring to the mix, neither of you?"
"Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons!"-Watcher and Anya
"Interesting. What level are you at?"
"Level?"
"Magical proficiency level?"
"Oh, uh, high -- high level. Very high. One of those top levels."
"Five."-Watcher, Tara, Willow
"They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?"
"No."
"Be funny if they did."
-Spike and Buffy
"Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."
"Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?"
"Oh, no, no. she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake."-Spike and Joyce
"You can't do anything with the information you have, except maybe publish it in the Everyone-Thinks-We're- Insano's Home Journal."-Buffy
"I will continue my work with the help of my friends."
"I-I, uh, I don't want a sword thrown at me, but... civilians... we're talking about children."
"We're talking about two very powerful witches, and a thousand-year-old ex-demon."
"Willow's a demon?!"
-Buffy, Watcher, and Anya
"The boy? No power there."
"'The boy's' clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit."
"That's Riley-speak."
"I've clocked field time!"
-Watcher, Buffy, Willow, and Xander
Blood Ties
"We're going up against a god. An actual, mightier-than-thou god."
"Well, you know what they say: the bigger they are--"
"The faster they stomp you into nothing."
-Xander, Willow, and Anya
"All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane."
"A crazy hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving!"
-Giles and Xander
"I'm not sure our regular workout is challenging you anymore. Perhaps we should make it harder."
"You always think harder is better. Maybe the next time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks and use a stake made of butter."-Giles and Buffy
"Geeze! Lurk much?"
"I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe."-Dawn and Spike
"Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they?"-Spike
"I'm in a bit of a crunch here, so let's cut right to the ooey, gooey center. Your sister, the Slayer, has my key. It's mine, I want it. Do you know where she squirreled it away? There's ice cream and puppy dogs in it for you if you start singing."-Glory
Crush
"I'm relieved that you're home. Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone... At first, and then I remembered that Rupert was here, and I felt much, much safer."
"Yes, thank you for that little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house."-Joyce and Giles
"I've got things to do. Bad, evil things."-Spike
"They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect."
"I feel safe with you."
[chokes] "Take that back!"-Spike and Dawn
"I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing."
"Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles-- hit UP Giles."-Spike and Buffy
"Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks."-Spike
"The late night stake-out, the bogus suspects, the flask... is this a date?"
"A... please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean-- do you want it to be?"-Buffy and Spike
"If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowlin'."-Willow
"You've taken my chair. and the music hasn't stopped." Drusilla
I Was Made to Love You
"Spike! Spike wants me -- how obscene is that?"
"Well, it is very strange, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Not that you're not attractive!"-Buffy and Giles
"What time is it?"
"4:23. You have lots of time until 7:00. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops."-Joyce and Buffy
Buffy: "This may sound dumb, but I kind of got the impression that she was a--"
Tara: "Robot."
Xander & everyone: "Oh yeah, robot."
"I'm not sure this is a code red. Hey, is there a code pink? We need more codes."-Willow
"What did she make you do?"
"Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."-Buffy and GIles
"If it makes you feel any better, my fun-time-Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So, if you want to trade-- No, wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything!"-Buffy
"Do you have any books on robots?"
"Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before-- No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."
"Funny. Charming and funny."-Tara, Giles, and Xander
The Body
"It just happened."
"Things don't happen! I mean, they don't JUST happen. Somebody's... I mean, somebody's got..."
"Okay, Let's go. Come on. You and me, come on..."
"You know I can't take you."
"Damn straight."-Willow and Xander
"I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why."-Anya
"Did I miss something?"
"Xander decided that he blames the wall."-Tara and Anya
"I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice. And now we all hurt."
"Anya -- ever the wordsmith."
"Thank you."-Anya, Xander, and Buffy"It just happened."
Forever
"Oh, like you care about her."
"Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand!"
"And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched."
"I liked the lady! You understand, Monkey Boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak."
"Her mistake."-Xander and Spike
"Then useful you shall be! We can always use a hand."
"But you have a hand. A paid hand. A hand that isn't the hand of the illegal child labor."
"Anya..."
"But of course it's wonderful that you find doing my job so distracting! I am unthreatened. Proceed."-Giles and Anya
"Jinx! You robed stud! You're my man! I'm even gonna let you slide on the lame toadying, on account of you're dying and stuff!"-Glory Intervention
"I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."-Buffy
"I love you. Really love you."
"Gettin' weird."
"Sorry, but it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love."-Buffy and Dawn
"So, how does it start?"
"I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I... uh... shake my gourd."
"Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."
"Go quest."-Buffy and Giles
"You're evil."
"And that excites you?"
"It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't."
"Yeah?"
"Darn your sinister attraction!"-Buffybot and Spike
I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking! You're my friend. And a carpenter!"-Buffybot
"Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid."-Buffybot
"Hey! You look just like me! We're very pretty."-Buffybot
"Yeah, o.k. Sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you."
(Glory power-kicks him across the room, through the wall... and out of his chainsspitting up more blood) "Good plan, Spike."-Spike
"We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with."
"It sounded convincing when I thought it!"-Dawn and Tara
"'Cuz Buffy -- the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. Couldn't live, her being that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."-Spike
"What you did for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it."-Buffy
Tough Love
"Honey. Old saying: A watched customer never buys."
"They would if they were patriotic!"
(sotto voce to Willow) "O.k., I'm going in." (to Anya) "'Patriotic'?"
"Yes! I've recently come to realize that there is more to me than just being human. I'm also an American."
"Yes, I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking. I mean, you were born here -- your mortal self."
Anya: (to Giles) "Well that's right, foreigner!" (to Willow & Xander) "So I've been reading a lot about the Good 'Ol Us of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that has helped to shape and define it."
"Democracy?"
"Capitalism!"-Xander, Anya, Giles, and Willow
"Look at 'em! Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs! All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's Un-American."
"Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness."-Anya and Giles
"You all right?"
"Yeah."
"Ah, yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious."-Giles and Willow
"No! The place is cracking! It's cracking. Cracking! No, oh, no!"
"No, Tara, It's o.k."
(looking at Dawn) "Look at that. Look at that! Oh, the light! So pure. Such pure green energy! It's so beautiful..."-Tara and Dawn
Spiral
"Anybody else feel that?"
"What?"
"Cold draft of paralyzing fear?"
-Anya and Willow
"Overwhelming? How much more than 'whelming' would that be, exactly?"-Anya
"Any luck?"
"If you define 'luck' as 'the absence of success', plenty."
-Dawn and Willow
"At least things can't get any crazier, right?"
(crossbow bolt thunks into wall) "You know this is your fault for saying that."-Dawn and Buffy
Tara: (looking out window) Horsies!"
Willow: "Tara!"
Giles: "Weapons?"
Spike: "Hello! You're driving one!"
Willow: "Don't hit the horsies!"
Buffy: (to Willow) "We won't!" (to Giles) "Aim for the horsies."
"What you did was necessary. What I've always admired."
"Running away?"
"Being able to put your heart above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher... you're everything I could have hoped for."-Giles and Buffy
The Gift
"I know you'll never love me. I know I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And thats..." -Spike |
